• blumac

A confusing reality

So it's been a while since I posted here.
I doubt anyone reads these (probably too depressing)
But I use this to get things off my chest.

Lately things are not good. Life feels cold, so cold. Every day I try to make for myself a better life, make for myself a life worth living. Every day I fail. It's gotten to the point where I don't know why I even try anymore.
I can't seem to make right decisions. I quit my job last Tuesday, why? The offical reason was that I wanted to start school on February 25th and the sick time policies were too strict when I am getting sick all the time this cold winter. The unoffical reason was that I just could not cut it at work, social anxiety and depression were getting the best of me and making this work a living hell to go to every day.
Why me? Why am I afflicted with these diseases? Is it my fault? Or was I just improperly raised? Or maybe I was born pre-wired with mental affliction. Why then?

I don't understand the point of life. As the book of Ecclesiastes says: "Everything under the sun is folly and a chasing after the wind". People work day to day, every day. Work harder than I do. For what? What little comforts life has to offer... with only the promise of death being a final resting place? The darkness clouds my mind as I see the news each day, more murder, corruption, sorrow. What's the point of this all?

This whole thinking has stolen away from me almost all motivation and ambition in life. Everything I try to do to make my life better gets thwarted and I end up in disappointment.

Alas I cannot kill myself, and it would hurt those close to me on an extreme level, and I just can't do that. But nevertheless I am left with this emptiness in life. This darkness overwhelming my soul, and every movement I make in my life is slowed as if the joints of my soul are bound tight by a thick binding glue. But I try on in spite of that. And in spite I look at others in this world who find happiness so easy, who are simple-minded and easily-pleased, and I look to them, not cursing their existence, but cursing what I have become and the way in which I was born.

Why do people even bother in this life? Why are we here? Are we but animals?

I curse who I am now knowing that to some degreee it is my own fault in ending up like this. I'm a liar. I'm a flake.
I am depressed. That too, as I've learned is as wrong and evil as is being a liar or thief. For in as much as bad breath afflicts those around a person, so does a bad mood, the darkness of the cloud of depression afflicts all around them.

I fake it well though. Day by day I fake happiness, knowing that if I were to give into my sorrow it would mean the destruction of the few things in life which give me joy. If I gave in, I would be sealing my fate and mind as well kill myself the moment I gave in, because I WOULD lose everything: Lose my job because I'd have no drive in myself to work and do a good job... Lose my relationships with family because I'd end up homeless and overextending a stay in which my gloomy presense toxifies any bonds that are still present.... lose... hope.

But then if I die in that state... I know very well that in whatever religion is right, an even more gloomy afterlife awaits me, hell perhaps.

So i'm forced to strive on day by day. Hoping for something better. I can't give up hope, never. I have witnessed happiness in this world and do know that it's real, it's achievable.

So what can I do but strive on forward, with an increased determination at finding that joy.
Where is it? With 'the American dream'? A loving wife, great kids, a house, and a fufilling career? With God perhaps? Many have testified that their religion, namely Christianity gives them joy, reason for living. But alas though my spiritual pursuit has been diligent, joy evades me well.

So I'll keep searching for that answer... wherever it may be....
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  • julleri

Panic / Anxiety "relapse"???

For those of you who don't know me, my name is Jason and I've posted here long, long ago (in like 2004 and 2005 years) regarding my then new-to-me struggles with panic disorder, severe depression, and anxiety.
I have a question. Is it common for panic attacks and panic disorder to "relapse"? Here's my story:
Collapse )
I'm gonna put this behind a cut because it's so long. I'm also gonna cross post it to my own journal for my own records and friends to see it... and also x-post it to anxietycampfire and panic_anxiety. I thought I was also a part of a depression comm... but I don't think membership was that high. But, since I know these disorders are fairly intermingled, I think the depression aspect of all of this will be well addressed in the panic_anxiety comm.
Thank you, and PLEASE HELP ME!!! Trust me - anything anyone says to me, even if it's that I'm being a big baby - really will help me. I'm just reaching out for human contact now.
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Driving fun Wednesday..

This day started out fine until I got on the road to get a pack of smokes and milk, and breakfast/lunch. For some reason everyone on the road was bothering me more than usual--the sheer volume of cars turning into mcdonalds, bicycle shops, walk-in clinics, right at the last minute when they were headed for the left-turn lane. This one f#*king van turned out of his aparment complex so I waited til he passed to turn into my own, and BAM!, he comes screeching in the entrance right in front of me, cutting me off. I stopped at the Village Inn, feeling worked up for no reason and waited by the host stand for a table. My stomach was gargling as I observed families in town for vacation move their jowels and gobble up their pancakes. No host was in sight. I waited 5 minutes at which point I said 'fuk it' out loud and left. I got back on the road, popped an ativan at the intersection of Busch and 30th, and settled on McDonalds which took me 15 min to get to going around the block again. When I got home and shoveled down my Big Mac and fries, I scooped up all my laundry and threw it into the machines and started painting to relax--(although the pill had already kicked in). I'm surprised at myself because I have about 20 of them left for emergencies, and before today hadn't used one in a week. I wish this would just go away and I could relax. It should be interesting this weekend when I get in the car to drive to Inverness. Sometimes I just wish I could grab what's in my head and chuck it out the car window so I can breathe.
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panic attack during final

I just had a bad case of panic during my French final tonight. It was frightening beyond belief. I did worse that expected, even though I am sure I will receive a relatively good grade. It's been a very long time since I can remember the last time I had a bad panic attack. :(

-Jason :(

x-posted to julleri, [Bad username: anxietycampfire>, <lj user=], and panic_anxiety.
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(no subject)

I went out last night against my better judgement. I in no way planned on getting drunk but alas. I definitly feel like a fucked up. Not just last night but for the past few weeks. I've recenlty learned I care very much for someone and my insecurity shot that to hell, I guess i should've shown that sooner. Its not a hopeless cause but I still may have lost someone who was pretty great. and i'm sorry. Maybe it takes this for me not to act like a bumbling prick.

He said I had alot of things I needed to change. I wasn't affectionate, I didn't make him feel I cared about him, I was super jealous. At the end of the break up I said that i would call him this week. And ask him out on a date. Was that fine? He said yes. Any advice or experience on mending a mess up! Easy looking back to see the mistakes.

Identity Crisis

I have been very depressed today. I cried today for a long time. It's funny how we cry, you know, if you stop and think about it. I compare it to weather patterns and when precipitation occurs. For example, I'm sure some never cry... just like the desert in northern Chile that receives realistically only a trace or so of rain every century. I forget the desert's name and exactly how much rain it is, but I know it's low. That's not my point anyway. And others of us cry like it's Seattle Washington, just letting the tears flow nearly daily. I used to be like that. I feel I'm not more like the US southwest... crying, but not often, and I know when it's over that it's over. That's how I make the comparison to weather. It ends. The tears end... the rain ends. ... and certainly, weather itself can, for those affected by SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder), affect the times and/or reasons we cry.

Alright, with that nonsense out of the way, I began thinking about what I could really be suffering from this week that's so different from just my normal depression as-is. I realized that ... I don't really know who I am as a person. I feel mighty dislike to my personality, and I knew that it had something to do with my current identity. Thinking along the lines of "gender identity crisis," I decided to look up some things on just "identity crisis," as I knew it had to exist. Sure enough, does it ever, and the amazing thing is is that it's something I'm sure that I've studied in my Psychology 101 class (back in Spring 2001 - lol), but have totally forgotten about. The phrase was coined by a Dr. Erik Erikson, and more information can be found here about it:

In conjunction with this, I do strongly remember having studied his eight stages of psychological development during that psychology course. It's really a timeline of a human being. I'm in early adulthood. I believe that something may be wrong with the bullet points listed there (I'll place the URL in a moment), or that I have some problems with a few of the listed "areas of difficulty" of identity crisis as listed in the above site.

Here's the URL for the latter:

I just thought of something... who the hell am I talking/writing to? Who's to say anyone is going to read this and reply? This is why journals have always bothered me... even before electronic versions, I always wondered "what's the point?" and "to whom am I talking, anyway???"

  • Current Music
    Oasis - Champagne Supernova
  • julleri

shortness of breath

I hate to update on such a negative, but I want some feedback to the following:

Last night I had a dream that I was running in a cross country race. I was in first place, and before someone was about to pass me up I woke up with this searing pain in my chest near my upper respiratory area. My "windpipe" felt cold and I was breathing as if I were in that actual race. It took me a while to calm down as my heart was also pumping quickly. It hurt, and I'm scared that perhaps something was wrong / is wrong with me. I've been having mild, albeit there, chest pain lately. It's not so much a tight feeling, but it's a dull feeling that is kind of heavy. I haven't been terribly unhealthy lately, but I'm not very healthy behavior-wise, neither. I don't exercise, I don't eat very well (fast food and when I do eat something that isn't fast it's usually something small like a sandwich or soup or something), and I just sit at a cube all day long. I've also gained like fifty pounds in the last year (which is not all bad in that last year at this time I was struggling to be at 120 pounds). I'm just worried that something is wrong with me. Please, help, anyone. Sometimes just words of advice or comfort are all I need.

-Jason :-(

x-posted to many communities and my own journal, sorry, folks, for any duplicates
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(no subject)

Hey everyone, I just joined.

My name's Jon, I'm a 19yo Maths & AI student in the UK. I have Asperger's Syndrome, and all the usual social anxiety that that entails. 3 months ago I split up with my long term girlfriend, and although the pain has passed and I'm starting to put my life back together, I've been left feeling massivly anxous. I guess around 3 days out of 4 I'll have a generalised background anxiety, it's mostly manageble except I can't concentrate for more than 10 mins, meaning bye bye grades. Also, maybe one day in 2 or 3, I'll have, not an attack, but pretty intense anxiety for an hour or two. I generaly just stay in bed.

The above is all non-specific anxiety, I have no idea what's causing it. I'm at uni, so stress & anxiety is part of life, and generaly not a problem. If a big deadline approaches I'll get anxous about it, but it just pushes me to work harder, and it's not at all a problem. But what's been happening in the last few months is a problem, because it's stopping me going to/ paying attention in lectures. There's no deadline where I know all the stress will disapear.

i used to find exercise very helpful, but less so now. Judo still help's, but I ache too much to do it more than once a week. I'm on Temazepam right now, because I have insomnia, not caused but made worse by this. Although I've never taken them in the day, the day after I take one I always feel much better. Temazepam has a half-life of about 8 hours, so there's probably still quite a lot in my blood then next day. Either that, or just a good night's sleep (since the anxiety started, my insomnia has shifter from inability to get to sleep, to inability to sleep deeply/stay asleep) helps.

Anyway, I'm only just starting to deal with this, so any advice/anecdotes'd be great.


My Dual Life

It occurs to me that I'm living through this anxiety, depression situation in two very separate ways. My friends and family all pretty much know that I'm getting some treatment. My co-workers know nothing. That really isn't a big deal I suppose except that everyone at my job is really into the "we're a family" type of thing and everyone knows everyone else's business. So, I just feel a little odd that I'm not as forthcoming with my personal life as they all are. Of course it's a little different sharing that your spouse is having eye surgery or you're taking something for your thyroid than it would be to tell that you're taking mind-altering drugs. LOL It shouldn't be that way but it is. My boss would have a great time kidding me about panic attacks. He would not be sensitive to it I'm sure. And when I have to leave work occasionally for a p-doc or therapist appointment; nobody knows where I'm going except that I have a "Doctor's Appointment." Can you hears the snickering they would do if they knew I was going to a Psychologist or Psychiatrist?

Am I being too sensitive? I won't ask if I should tell... because I know that I won't ever do that intentionally. It's just a quirk of my situation that I'm pondering. Otherwise, it's happy days for me.
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    quiet Friday cubicle noise