|A confusing reality
||[Mar. 25th, 2008|01:20 am]
The Anxiety Campfire for Men
So it's been a while since I posted here.
I doubt anyone reads these (probably too depressing)
But I use this to get things off my chest.
Lately things are not good. Life feels cold, so cold. Every day I try to make for myself a better life, make for myself a life worth living. Every day I fail. It's gotten to the point where I don't know why I even try anymore.
I can't seem to make right decisions. I quit my job last Tuesday, why? The offical reason was that I wanted to start school on February 25th and the sick time policies were too strict when I am getting sick all the time this cold winter. The unoffical reason was that I just could not cut it at work, social anxiety and depression were getting the best of me and making this work a living hell to go to every day.
Why me? Why am I afflicted with these diseases? Is it my fault? Or was I just improperly raised? Or maybe I was born pre-wired with mental affliction. Why then?
I don't understand the point of life. As the book of Ecclesiastes says: "Everything under the sun is folly and a chasing after the wind". People work day to day, every day. Work harder than I do. For what? What little comforts life has to offer... with only the promise of death being a final resting place? The darkness clouds my mind as I see the news each day, more murder, corruption, sorrow. What's the point of this all?
This whole thinking has stolen away from me almost all motivation and ambition in life. Everything I try to do to make my life better gets thwarted and I end up in disappointment.
Alas I cannot kill myself, and it would hurt those close to me on an extreme level, and I just can't do that. But nevertheless I am left with this emptiness in life. This darkness overwhelming my soul, and every movement I make in my life is slowed as if the joints of my soul are bound tight by a thick binding glue. But I try on in spite of that. And in spite I look at others in this world who find happiness so easy, who are simple-minded and easily-pleased, and I look to them, not cursing their existence, but cursing what I have become and the way in which I was born.
Why do people even bother in this life? Why are we here? Are we but animals?
I curse who I am now knowing that to some degreee it is my own fault in ending up like this. I'm a liar. I'm a flake.
I am depressed. That too, as I've learned is as wrong and evil as is being a liar or thief. For in as much as bad breath afflicts those around a person, so does a bad mood, the darkness of the cloud of depression afflicts all around them.
I fake it well though. Day by day I fake happiness, knowing that if I were to give into my sorrow it would mean the destruction of the few things in life which give me joy. If I gave in, I would be sealing my fate and mind as well kill myself the moment I gave in, because I WOULD lose everything: Lose my job because I'd have no drive in myself to work and do a good job... Lose my relationships with family because I'd end up homeless and overextending a stay in which my gloomy presense toxifies any bonds that are still present.... lose... hope.
But then if I die in that state... I know very well that in whatever religion is right, an even more gloomy afterlife awaits me, hell perhaps.
So i'm forced to strive on day by day. Hoping for something better. I can't give up hope, never. I have witnessed happiness in this world and do know that it's real, it's achievable.
So what can I do but strive on forward, with an increased determination at finding that joy.
Where is it? With 'the American dream'? A loving wife, great kids, a house, and a fufilling career? With God perhaps? Many have testified that their religion, namely Christianity gives them joy, reason for living. But alas though my spiritual pursuit has been diligent, joy evades me well.
So I'll keep searching for that answer... wherever it may be....