|I Lost Another Job and Cant Keep Positive... Panic, Depression, and Worthlessness...
||[Nov. 6th, 2005|12:36 am]
The Anxiety Campfire for Men
This week I had an overwhelmingly introspective descent of depression, accompanied by panic attacks and migraines. I lost my delivery job at Steak-Out, and it is the fourth job Ive lost over the last couple of years... I dont know how much more low-key a job can be than that as far as social-interaction goes, and I couldn't even keep it.|
Up until a few years ago I seemed pretty moderate as far as my anxiety goes. I worked the same full-time job for six years at Barnes & Noble. I was always the quiet and busy worker. Then I decided to actually start being social and interacting with my fellow employees. For the most part this went fine, except for the fact that I had a tendency to 'flake-out' when it came to going places with them as planned. I would be fine and looking forward to the gatherings until about an hour beforehand, and then I would change my mind and not show. I got better about keeping commitments to socializing after a while, until I actually started dating a co-worker.
We dated for about two years, but during that time my anxiety started getting a lot worse, perhaps because there was no place I could go including work, that she was not around, and I am one of those people who needs time alone to reflect and let go of things. I started feeling like I was being watched and judged by people constantly, even to what I realize is an irrational paranoid level. It got to a point where I felt the need to take a leave of absence from work for a number of months, because I could not stay on the sales floor for much time at all without getting panicked. I visited and talked with a therapist and a psychiatrist and was diagnosed with agoraphobia and social-anxiety disorder. I tried Prozac (bad), Paxil (bad), and then Lexapro for a bit, which seemed to work out so I went back to work, but over about a year's time its benefits slowly went away as well. I broke up with the girlfriend, who was roomates with one of the managers and best friends with one of the other managers, and drama ensued at the work place... so the anxiety redoubled and I began thinking suicidally, so I left the job.
Since then I have worked at GNC part-time for a year, a Cell-phone company for a few months, and most recently Steak-Out... all of which I had to call-in to multiple times for panic attacks, migraines, and then this past week overwhelmingly introspective depression triggered by an ex getting pregnant and married just less than two months after we quit hanging-out together.
I was sure that if I drove delivery last Saturday I was going to have an accident and either kill someone or be killed myself. I didnt call back to work until today because of fear that I would be fired... which became self-fulfilling... of course I wouldnt be kept at a job if I was a no-call, no-show. I had to take double my normal dose of xanax just to call at all.
This year Ive done my best to be social and go out semi-regularly meeting new people and making new friends... but always needing to take a xanax just to get out of my car and go into any of the places or gatherings to interact.
My dishes are overflowing in the kitchen, and have been there for weeks. My cats have to remind me to change their litter, and sometimes I still put it off much more than I should. My feelings of being wanted and then being unwanted by friends fluctuates way too often for being normal. I've thought recently about deleting my LJ completely. I consider who would actually care if I didn't exist. I beat up on myself way too much in self-talk... and Im afraid I wont be able to get a job and keep it... which further builds the sense of worthlessness.
So Im asking any of you at this campfire what you think I should do. Im wondering if disability is an option, but it seems like it would just further my sense of worthlessness too. I have no income and no insurance and am not currently on any meds except xanax, which I take daily just to be able to have any interaction outside the door of my house.
Any suggestions or help of any form would be much appreciated...
I hope to become a helpful active member of this communitty, and I hope to hear from you soon.